Sunday, January 14, 2007

Give Me Liberty!

Rich's birthday is this Thursday-- I won't say which one it is-- and in order to celebrate, I will get dressed up and we will go out to dinner. The drawback to all this is that, for his birthday, I really want to look great. I just got a black dress, and will pair it with a silver, blue and black shawl that I bought in India. Beyond that and my normal routine, though, I don't have to look like I'm going to the Golden Globe Awards, where the women spend weeks and half of the Sultan's GNP trying to look like something they aren't. A story from CNN's website:

"Stylists swear by Spanx, a brand of bodyshapers that promise to "rescue women from love handles, waistline spillage and cellulite," according to the company's Web site.

"They go from under your bustline to the top of your knee," says celebrity stylist Inge Fonteyne, who has worked with models Gisele Bundchen and Adriana Lima. "It compacts all your blemishes you want to smooth out. The key is to be seamless and bumpless."


Well, something has to give, right? I wonder if their eyeballs bulge slightly? And maybe their shoe sizes escalates?

"Natural fabrics are easily marred by sweat, so stars plan ahead to keep palms and armpits from perspiring.

"With a silk dress, anything you touch will make a stain," Fonteyne says. "One drop spreads like it's the ocean under your arm."

One solution is botox, which paralyzes overactive glands to temporarily stop sweating. Another is Drysol, a prescription treatment Fonteyne swears by that "dries up" sweat glands."


That, and air conditioning geared for mimicking the South Pole. Better that than someone approaching me with a needle and the intent to make my tender armpits into an expressionless, astonished pincushion. Baby, my armpits are made for sweatin'...and that's just what they're gonna do....one of these days these pits are gonna sweat all over you (bumbumbumbumbumbumbum...) And I won't be wearing silk.

"Celebrities get extensions like crazy for Oscar season because they want their hair to be thicker," he says.

Stars who don't want to make a major commitment might opt for "hair for a day," he says: quick, clip-on extensions that can be removed at the end of the night.

Corby even uses extra hair for updos. He wraps hair clippings in a hairnet and stuffs that inside buns and chignons "for that huge, full look."


Just today I was reading another article in the London Times by a peri-menopausal woman who was convinced that the hair her husband was losing was turning up on her chin. She planned to make a wig of it to give him for his birthday, but maybe she should save it up for hair extensions for herself. I mean, if he's not going to use it, it shouldn't go to waste.

Rich doesn't have a need for any hair extensions, with a full head of thick, sable/salt/pepper hair and a full beard the texture of copper wire to boot. But, hmmm... I do act as his barber....perhaps there's money in this.

No, thanks be to God, no one but he will care about how I look, so I plan to make the most of the evening, and not with the help of body armor, Botox and alien hair..

2 Comments:

Anonymous Heidi said...

but Eleanor, don't you think you should honor Rich's big day by being injected in your armpits? Especially if you're eating Mexican. Then your eyeballs will bulge, with the spice of the food, not the pressure of the rubberized foundational garment! LOL But with botox pits, you can eat that spicey stuff till the cows come home, without so much as GLOWING! let alone dripping sweat.

6:53 AM  
Anonymous Heidi said...

PS, that outfit sounds lovely! so simple and elegant!

6:55 AM  

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